Bite the Cone: 7 Types of Trailers You’re Probably Tired of Watching


Mmmmmmmmmmm

Aside from Stumbling and watching Jimmy Kimmel Live interviews online—and let’s not forget my social media sites, too—I spend a large portion of my time on the web watching trailers on Apple Trailers. After watching thousands (dare I say millions?) of them, I’ve compiled a list of the 7 film trailer types I’m sick of watching, and I’m pretty sure you are too. The movie may have very well been good, but the trailer, in one way or another, pissed me off. By the by, please excuse the ice cream metaphors, I took some sleepy time Vanilla tea for the night, and it seemed like a really good idea. In any case, if studios and independent production companies want me to shell out the 10-15 bucks to watch their so-called “#1 Movie of the Year,” then they’ve got a max of 2 minutes and a half to keep me interested. Easy enough, right? Apparently not…

  • The ‘Vanilla’ Ice Cream Trailer

It’ll make you say “Is this over yet?”

1 word. BORING. Forget about the fact that there’s a Twilight “star” in this film, the trailer had 2 minutes to pique my curiosity, and suffice to say, it didn’t. I don’t blame you if you choose not to watch it. In fact, I commend you if you get through it. I know I definitely struggled. To top it all off, it made me aware of the fact that I was watching a trailer. Trailers are meant to hide the flaws–and this one seems to accentuate them: over images of Reese Witherspoon on a horse – “That ain’t no woman. That’s the boss’s wife…And she don’t talk to nobody.” A. Bad acting. 2. Bad dialogue. 3. Reese Witherspoon: wavy, blonde hair flowing in the wind as she rides the horse, with the sun gleaming behind her, no less. Ahhh, classical Hollywood filmmaking at its best. Doesn’t this make you want to… well, get to know these people? Surely, since Witherspoon speaks only twice in this trailer, it makes this intriguing, right?  Oh, and would you look at that. It’s based on a NY Times #1 Best Seller, too. Never would have guessed…

  • The ‘Coffee’ VS ‘Coffee Mocha Fudge’ Ice Cream Trailer

It’ll make you say, “Déjà vu?”

Let’s compare, shall we?

And then…

No Strings Attached: Two best friends agree to hook up without attachments. One of them, however, does get attached.

Friends With Benefits: Two close friends agree to hook up without attachments. One of them, however, does get attached.

If you’ve seen one trailer, you’ve seen the other. Had to do a double take when I saw the FWB trailer. “I could’ve sworn it was Natalie Portman…” Oh, it’s a different movie. Oh, Hollywood….

  • The ‘Bacon & Eggs’ Ice Cream Trailer

It’ll make you say, “WTF?”

Did you catch that? The title intrigued me, and with the trend of fairy tales and Disney films being adapted into live action, how could I not want to watch the trailer? It ended up being misleading, however, and with the monotonous narration, I can’t say I care for it.

  • The “Joe and Jane’s Favorite Ice Cream” Trailer

It’ll make you say, “Ugh.”

Don’t tell me it’s good by telling me it’s good. And in this case, don’t tell me Paranormal Activity was scary because you recorded people in an audience getting a cheap scare. Nothing makes me want to watch a movie less–especially horror films–when the trailer incorporates audience reactions. Because if the movie sucks, all I’m going to think is that either a. you got a whole bunch of wussies together or 2. you paid these people. Sell me on the trailer alone, please.

  • The Trade Marked Ice Cream Trailer

It’ll make you say, “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

Trailer editors don’t have to work too hard to make these since the name alone will unfortunately rack in the numbers. But seriously, though, Battleship? And I won’t even comment on the fact that Rihanna is in this… But in all fairness, I won’t say that the film won’t be any good. The trailer isn’t horrible. It’s not a great trailer, but it’s not bad either. I’m just worried this marketing trend will continue for the long haul. Next thing you know they’ll develop a film about the game Monopoly. (There’s a script going around in Hollywood, FYI…)

  • The ‘Double Chocolate Fudge Chocolate Chip With Chocolate Sprinkles’ Ice Cream Trailer

It’ll make you say “Too. Too. Much.”

You watch this type of trailer, and it’s like you’ve watched the whole film. Not only is the plot laid out for you, but so are the character arcs. Even if Drew Barrymore and John Krasinski don’t end up together as a couple, at the very least I know from the trailer that he accepts her for who she is by the end of the film. They incorporated way too much information into this trailer. Too. Too. Much.

  • The ‘Blueberry’ Ice Cream Trailer

It’ll make you say, “Never would I…”

I have to explain something here first–I’m not a blueberry fan. I hate the fruit, but I really do enjoy blueberry ice cream. And muffins. In any case, this type of trailer doesn’t entice you to see it. But suddenly, you’re hearing your friends gush about how good it is. And when, by chance, you watch it, suddenly your mind is blown. I thought Source Code was another typical Hollywood chase-type film with the same time traveling plot point. And thankfully, it’s not. I just wish they would have marketed it accordingly.

**

So there go 7 of probably dozens of trailer types they should really stop making. Any other ones on your mind?

And I apologize for so many shitty trailers. But here, I’ll give you a great one to end the post with…

Okay, okay.. So I’m a little biased. But it’s still great, no?

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2 thoughts on “Bite the Cone: 7 Types of Trailers You’re Probably Tired of Watching

  1. Sean Temple says:

    Let’s be honest, Jalissa. That Speed trailer is pretty terrible. 😛

  2. […] pointed out a while back how there are at least 7 types of trailers. I consider The Cabin in the Woods to be a blueberry ice cream trailer (blueberry because just like […]

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